Chapter Twelve: Written by Corey Leung
Name: Corey Leung
Age: 26
Occupation: MBA Student
Location: NYC
2020 PERSONAL REFLECTION
COVID
One of my favorite reads of the past year was a collection of short stories by Ted Chiang called “Exhalation”. I love sci-fi because good sci-fi, beyond the technological and futuristic bells and whistles, speaks to our humanity provocatively but subtly, eschewing on-the-nose rhetoric while deftly diagnosing human motivations and desires. In one of the short stories, there was a line that particularly caught my attention: “Civilization now depends on self-deception.” I thought that hit pretty close to home for the year 2020. Many of us are suffering from prolonged isolation and anxiety, millions of people are unemployed and dipping into their savings, small businesses are closing, and our country is divided by politics and resurfacing racial tension – in this grim afterglow, delusion seems to be a wonderful reprieve from reality. Observing people who believe COVID is a hoax or who refuse to wear masks despite sound medical advice has been jarring for me. In addition, I lost my Mom to breast cancer earlier this year. I myself indulged in self-deception for a while after her passing. The pain of missed opportunities and the regret of words said and unsaid weighed heavily on my shoulders for months. Denial became an easy deflection from facing my feelings. I have found that these self-defense mechanisms are initially useful in protecting yourself from the pain, but long-term they can be damaging if not downright toxic. Society tells us to pursue happiness and comfort, but the deeper things in life can only be experienced in real time and cannot be short circuited just because they are difficult. As C.S. Lewis puts it, “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
Lessons Learned
There are some silver linings to what on initial pass seems like a dumpster fire of a year. Isolation gave me a lot of time to reflect. I found that left to my own devices - with no physical responsibilities of making the brutal 5-minute trek to campus for my grad classes and the ability to attend classes wearing nothing but pajamas - there was little incentive to stay motivated. Without physically attending grad classes, recruiting and professional events everyday, I found that what had passed for a “busy” life was really just an unexamined life.
In my time in the shoe, there are several lessons I took away.
1) Solitude can be deeply cathartic.
2) Uncertainty is disruptive.
3) Relationships need to be intentionally cultivated.
Solitude is hard to find in an age of technology and social media because we are always plugged in. I found that once the pandemic hit, many of my friends were talking about how much “more” time they had. I felt the same – I no longer had to constantly check my phone and keep up with my busy scheduling. Life became simpler as we all moved our lives - both work and school - online and into our homes. With a bit more time to ourselves, I had a chance to really count my blessings. It sounds contrived and strange to say, but when I step back and look at where I am, I feel incredibly lucky to have the people in my life that I do and for the opportunities I’ve been given. My father was an orphan growing up and my parents barely had two pennies to rub together when they first married. Yet I ended up with loving and supportive parents, friends who invest in me, and a career that, despite rocky moments, has turned out alright. During the pandemic, I have only felt these blessings more profoundly.
Uncertainty this year for me looked a little different than the typical American or even some of my fellow MBA classmates. I didn’t have the fear of losing a job or experiencing difficulties in job recruiting, but I was mostly concerned with the uncertainty surrounding my personal life. I struggled with how to help my Dad stay connected to a community after Mom passed, and I was uncertain about how and when I would start my own family. But I could see how the uncertainty that the pandemic brought was crippling for many. Its hard to imagine how you are going to raise your kids when you are struggling to make ends meet because you just lost your job. Or you are anxious about your loved ones who are sick, afraid to visit them to avoid increasing the chances that they contract COVID.
Relationships have always been important to me. I always tell myself that real meaning in life comes from living with or for other people. Easier said than done of course. I get busy and I get complacent; I sometimes lose touch with close friends and I fail to invest time in those who I really care for. Because investing in people doesn’t reap immediate benefits as quickly as investing in our careers or even in our hobbies, it can be hard to prioritize. I learned this year that even a quick phone call to catch up with an old friend can turn around their entire day. A few kind words can really make a difference. Humans are fundamentally social creatures, and we seek a connection with the people around us. COVID has only highlighted the importance of that for me.
Faith Renewed
My faith in God grew significantly during the pandemic. Challenges and trials really do shape our character and bring us further into maturity. I think its fair to say 2020 has been a challenging year for everyone. But despite the abysmal year and the negative rhetoric embraced by our politicians, I find that the suffering and challenges has drawn me closer to God. When we don’t understand why things are happening the way they are, we seek answers in the divine because often those are the only answers they provide some measure of peace and comfort. I’ve thought a lot about Romans 5:3-5 since the beginning of the pandemic:
“…we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
I hope that as we start a new year and begin to rebuild a sense of normalcy in our lives, I will be able to devote my time in meaningful ways to the people in my life who I love and care for.